Seeing Our Children's Essence: The Enneagram as a Parenting Tool

My daughters couldn't be more different in how they navigate life's challenges.

When six-year-old Ava falls at the playground, she processes for days – not just the physical pain, but the complex feelings of betrayal that her friend pushed her harder than expected.

Meanwhile, her 4-year-old sister Eliza takes a completely different approach. When a child at kinder took her toy, she simply stood tall, looked him directly in the eyes, and firmly stated, 'That's mine. Give it back.' Once the toy was returned, the matter was completely resolved – no lingering feelings, no processing needed.

Two sisters, same parents, entirely different approaches to life.

Finding Their Enneagram Patterns

The Enneagram offered our family a compassionate language for understanding these differences. As we began to recognise Ava's patterns as those of a Type Six (the Loyal Sceptic) and Eliza's as a Type Eight (the Active Controller), we started seeing wisdom in behaviours that had sometimes felt challenging.

For Ava, her 'retrospective anxiety' isn't overthinking but her Six mind's way of creating security through understanding. Her tendency to form clubs with elaborate rules is her gift for creating safe structures where friends find belonging. Across many settings she's been described as 'a natural, gentle leader' and 'the glue that holds everyone together'.

For Eliza, her resistance to control isn't defiance but her Eight nature testing boundaries to find security through strength. Her direct confrontations aren't aggression but her instinctive approach to maintaining her boundaries with clarity. 'Passionate,' 'Bold,' 'Intense' are just some of the beautiful descriptors Eliza has consistently been given.

Understanding Different Needs

While all children need autonomy, connection, and competence (see Ryan & Deci's Self-Determination Theory), the Enneagram reveals how dramatically different these needs can look from child to child. For Ava, security often comes through relatedness and understanding, while for Eliza, it's primarily through autonomy and personal power.

What might look like universal parenting wisdom—'Set clear boundaries,' 'Offer choices,' 'Listen empathically'—actually requires thoughtful adaptation to each child's unique wiring. The boundary-setting that makes Ava feel secure might feel like suffocating control to Eliza. The autonomy that helps Eliza thrive might feel like abandonment to Ava.

Transformed Parenting

Understanding these patterns transformed our approach. Instead of saying 'Just let it go' when Ava dwells on social incidents, we might ask, 'What are you noticing about this that feels important?' This honours her perceptiveness while helping her develop discernment.

With Eliza, rather than battling her resistance, we offer meaningful choices: 'Would you prefer to put on your shoes before or after breakfast?' This respects her need for agency while still accomplishing necessary tasks.

We're not trying to make Ava less questioning but helping her see vigilance as a gift. We're not trying to make Eliza less intense but channelling her powerful energy constructively.

Parents in the Mix

As a Type Four (Intense Creative) and Type One (Strict Perfectionist) couple, we've recognised how our own patterns influence our parenting. I might sometimes amplify emotional intensity, while my husband might expect perfection. Understanding these dynamics helps us support each other and parent more consciously.

The Gift of Being Seen

In his book 'The Sacred Enneagram,' Christopher Heuertz writes that 'to be known is to be loved, and to be loved is to be known.' This might be the greatest gift the Enneagram offers our family, or any family for that matter – a way of truly seeing each child and each adult with clear-eyed compassion.

What matters isn't perfect typing accuracy but the spirit behind it—the genuine desire to see each family member for who they truly are. The Enneagram gives us a map, but our children (and ourselves) are the territory—complex, evolving, and always more than any system can fully capture.

Finding Support on Your Parenting Journey

If you're intrigued by how personality patterns might be influencing your own parenting approach, I offer personalised coaching that combines the Enneagram framework with practical parenting strategies. Through the iEQ9 assessment and three focused coaching sessions, we'll explore how your unique personality type shapes your parenting strengths and challenges, developing tailored approaches that honour both your nature and your children's.

What patterns have you noticed in your own children that might reflect their unique ways of navigating the world? How might understanding these differences transform your response to behaviours that once left you puzzled or frustrated? We would love to chat if you're interested in learning more.